Wax on

With the group we did some encaustic art with the usual colored wax.


People enjoyed doing it, because it is just doing without thinking and above all, making a painting without the thought ‘what the hack is this supposed to be’. Here are mine.

encaustic mei grot

encaustic mei kind

The other activities supervisor had bought some wax crayons to try if they could be used for this technique too. Wax crayons are cheaper than the original encaustic colored wax. Because we didn’t have enough time to try it, she gave the crayons to me with the words ‘ try it at home and tell me afterwards.encaustic box 2

I had my doubts if wax crayons would work, but tried in the weekend…with a normal iron…. on steam…

There are some holes in it for the steam to come out.  But what the hack let’s try.

Gosh what mess that got and it took a while to clean the iron after this ‘trial and error test ‘ with wax crayons. They work, although  the colors are not that bright as the real encaustic wax. See for yourself.

wax crayons

Ironing laundry is mission impossible right now.


It all started yesterday while working. When I came home tremendous pain set in in my right ankle. For at least 1 hour I wasn’t able to walk properly.
I went to bed early after a good shower. Felt asleep immediately.

At 2 o’clock I woke up to drink something and a bathroom visit. After that, new pain came in – this time around my stomach and
gullet. Up again for some chamomile with honey, but the pain stayed. Until 5 o’clock I struggled with it and it finally stopped. Back to bed to try again, but no sleep would come. At 6 o’clock I stopped this wrestling  and started the day, wondering what might had occurred during the night. For today a coaching session was planned for 11:30 o’clock – again right in time as always. Until then I had the urge to clean the whole house inside out and all my tools had to be in nature for at least an hour to recharge connection. When putting back the tools into the basket I hesitated with 2 tools to put them back also. I put them on the table next to the phone – just in case they might have to do something with the process I’m obviously in.
Precisely at 11 o’clock I finished the cleaning and washing, made some beverages and called my counselor.

“Just wait, I have the feeling we are not quite there.” she said so I told her what had happened yesterday and tonight and that I have the feeling this is all about the process that started when looking in the mirror this person held up for me at work. Silence and then there came “YES, you’re right. What does it tell about you what happened yesterday?” My struggle started but I had some answers. The mirror from yesterday was too much for the inner boy, therefore the pain in the right leg. And old points of view men and woman see each other and therefore still don’t work together. Anger came up together with sorrow – my anger and old sorrow from the ancestor line. The deeper we came the more angry I got.

Men don’t accept their female side and woman pick male energy from their spouse instead of developing it in themself. In my ancestor line the woman only wanted strong male energy, got disappointed, took the male energy they could get from their men and developed the energy the wrong way, so do men. Here the tools I kept apart came into play.

left leg

This is my left leg as tool made a long time ago. The black gem on the foot was already off due to a healing with my friend and shaman André de Vos. Now we had to look at the swollen ankle and the red shoe and the bow the leg makes. When I lie down the left leg never is totally straight. This bow today had to be done as bowing towards the male energy my inner woman still abhors…..grrrr…. “I don’t have to get on my knees? Just bow? ” I asked.  “Not on your knees, only bow. On your knees is like being overruled and you don’t want or like that.”

Here I remembered the two swords I made, also a long time ago – my male and female swords.


The red one is the male sword. Now suddenly the healing began. It was a sort of family constellation work. I had to take the red sword and lay it on the ground. Then I had to bow and say:”I give your energy room in me!”
backstabbing pain arouse around the heart area on my back. “Don’t pay attention to it, it distracts you from the healing you’re about to create. The ancestors try to pull you back. Keep saying that you give room to your male energy in yourself.”

Hell on my back. Then I said “I love you and you are beautiful!” Tears in my eyes – the old sorrow left the building. I had the idea to take the sword up with my right hand and with my left hand I took the white/silver sword. “What words come up within you now, you have to change the sentence.” ” I love us!” I said and immediately the backstabbing pain got worse. I turned around – showed the swords and said: “That the way I’m gonna do it – leave me alone. You can look how I do it but that’s all.” The pain lessened. I turned around , crossing the swords on my back and took some steps forward. The pain stopped.Er was much more but I keep some parts to myself.

The old leg and the old female energy tool had to be burned.

old pattern feminine energy

I have to drink lot’s of water and take a walk.

First I biked to the store and bought a fire bowl to burn the old tools. Had to walk home with the big box because it did not fit on the bike. I put it together and got the fire started – ashes to ashes.


I’m feeling fine now. Every time the pulling at my back starts I take the swords and repeat the words. Will take some time but again I got rid of a part of old family energy I’m carrying ever since I was born and was healing piece for piece the past 25 years. I feel the load on my shoulders is getting lighter every time.

In The gemstone of the week by Anneke Agterberg there was one passage that immediately rang a bell.

Maybe you’re in a situation where you do not want to fall back into an old pattern. You want to deal with a former self although sometimes something seems to be coming around the corner so you’re afraid to fall back. That’s just a test. You’re no longer your old self. Especially women attach conditions to a certain feeling. So you always get that feeling back again if such a situation arises. But you’re not anymore. That feeling is old. How can you simplify your situation and not make it so heavy?

It took a few minutes before realising what situation it is, but it’s clear now.

It’s that same situation as in 2013, when Municipality Haarlemmermeer ordered people on welfare to follow a ‘course’ in the most atrocious surroundings one can imagine. With belittling rules as if anyone on welfare is on drugs, alcohol, violent and smutty.

This course now, is a remake in a new jacket called Randstand HR Solutions.

randstadMy first reactions were, let’s say, not one of the friendliest. With some harsh emails and ready to fight again (st) I send them links to my CV’s, elevator pitch and the link to my LinkdIn. Never ever again I wanted to undergo the kind of disparagement I experienced back than. No forcing to apply for ridiculous jobs. I wanted to make that clear right from the start. By doing so I fell back into an old pattern. I realize now.

Last Friday, we talked about things and even so, I still have the impression that things are not as good organized as they could in this ‘course’ , I have to alter my old pattern into the new one I know after the experiences of 2013. The best thing that could happen now, is to find a job I like before entering this HR Solutions project from Randstad.

The first meeting  two weeks ago attracted people towards me with problems, who asked for help. So maybe, when in this project, I can be a bit of what is said in the gemstone text also:

Maybe you’re somewhere this week the connecting factor. The switch in a group or between two people. You know to interconnect people or situations. This creates for them or for you something, that makes the situation easier.

Lets go for that and the job hunt. I need the job to have my own income again now the taxe problems from the years 2007 – 2011, caused by that same Municipality, are fixed. Having my own income means away from welfare and starting my own practice again beside the job.

what we doe

does not define us

what defines us is

how well we rise

after falling


moon1Shedding skin again – fleeing from

moon1filter leaving behind – washing away – water under the bridge not yet

moon1filter2mashed into fertile ground for fresh starts

copyright Es

Thyroid Pt.5

coaching april2Yesterday’s coaching was one of clarity and deepening after a start in confusion. A mix up about who was looking at what painting I made in the past weeks because they all fit the course of the process, but not all were suiting the next step to be taken.

The one to start with is the upper part of the painting I made after the last session.


The painting eclipse-dance eclipsedance1 kept coming up but my coach did not see the dancing couple but an animal – the yellow part.

When she said so, I took the picture to have a close look again and indeed there it was – a squirrel. eclipsedance11

The meaning of totem animal Squirrel suites the process but is a step further on the way. So back to painting above.

The first thing that catches the eye is the third chakra in the middle. the place to be in the process right now though is the left eye.

thyroid met text

It is not ready to see yet, because the female part refuses to look at the male part. She is angry – the link to the anti-thyroid-peroxidase antibodies – about 

a)  wanting to be in this life but on her conditions and not the conditions the soul wants for this life  because

b) she experience my soul as being male and therefore is to blame for all mishaps in life like it was custom in the ancestor-line of woman.

The male part on his part, refuses the signals of the female part, that his vision is not entirely balanced by not accepting the intuitive part. He also refuses the female part who get all the blame for mishaps in his life, like men did in the ancestor line also.

By this continuous play of  mutual rejection, a connection between male and female, head and heart is impossible. The fact, that last year an old wound in my left eye opened again without any reason, is the outward manifestation of this internal fact.

The two has to clean the ancestor habit of blaming each other for all that went wrong and take one’s own responsibility to make one’s life what one want it to be in mutual respect for each others point of view and being. Besides that, the female part then is able to accept the male soul I am and accept the wishes for this life.

From here we finally came back to the inner boy with his pain in the right leg.

The rigid male part wants the little boy all for himself. The inner boy refuses, because he is not a plain thinker but a creative, intuitive  boy, wanting male and female to be connected so both points of view can operate together and he will finally have the right to be the soft one, living in the heart, my heart.

Here an old family constellation came to my mind and by looking at it in this context it is obviously, that back than the constellation was sent into the wrong direction by the practitioner. In the family constellation I had chosen to have a look if something in my energy field still had to be sent back to the man of my last relationship which ended, especially fears. So he was standing there with 3 fears and behind me a legion of fears I once had in my life. Right behind me there was a man on his hunker’s, trying not to be seen. The practitioner said that this was the inner boy of my  ex and I had to bring him over. The inner boy refused in all and every way but the practitioner insisted. Lamenting boy fell on the floor like dead when at the other side with the man.

Now this picture get a new angle by seeing that the inner boy was right by not wanting to go because it was mine and the man not my ex but my male part. Instead of insisting to bring the boy to the male part the practitioner had to ask the boy why he refuses to go, the right way to do. So now I know and this situation suites my dream about the fuchsia https://redskywalkeronearth.wordpress.com/2015/03/22/dream/.

After this process the next painting is in for a deep look. The next appointment is already set for May.

Here we go again.

I had a blood test to see if the medicine is working positively. Today I got the results. The hormon is a bit better but my immune system now has started to produce anti-thyroid-peroxidase antibodies which will demolish the thyroid in the long run. According to my doctor, there is no cure for this. If I manage to cure it, I would be considered a medical wonder.

So the next phase in the thyroid proces has began. Appointment with my coach is already made.

I’m pretty sure that the cards, I made yesterday, has to tell me a story in this proces.

encaustic april

With the eclipse of October 8,2014 I painted this:eclipsespiration2

Today, there is another full moon eclipse which is refering to the october eclispe. After cleaning my minerals and gemstones, the altar, doing yoga and a meditation, the next painting wanted to be painted.

To me it is a couple dancing the flamenco, the forceful, improvised rhythms of life, love, despair and hope.

See about the flamenco: http://www.timenet.org/detail.html



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